Self-Indulgent Ramblings

I’m going to continue to complain.

I hate it when people want something, but they don’t communicate the reasons that they need it to be a certain way. The more information I get, the more likely I am to be able to accommodate them. But if you don’t communicate the whys… I’m just not as inclined to help you.

And, if you want my input… remember to invite me to the frickin’ meeting.

I looked down and saw that my last two posts were about hating people and people who piss me off… and that kinda bothers me. I mean, I spend a lot of time and effort on being sardonic and inpenetrable. I’m quite fond of telling people that I’m not a very nice person and that I don’t have a soul. My {gulp} boyfriend finds a great deal of pleasure, however, in moments when I prove the opposite is true. He likes to watch sad movies with me or catch me playing with small children so that my soul can’t help but kick in.

My friend Anne and I were discussing the fact that we’ve been experiencing a lot of random fits of explosive anger lately… someone will say something to us that makes us suddenly snap inside. I must admit, it was nice to hear that it’s not just me, but I still find it troubling. Which may well be proof that I have a soul after all.

Or it could be indigestion. Whatever.

I was just driving behind an old, beat-up pick-up truck on my way back from my exciting lunch of something microwaved that came in a box. At any rate, there were a few bumper stickers on said truck… and I have to tell you, there are some bumper stickers that just piss me off. Say something cute and clever, celebrate all the alumni associations you like… but I’m sick of the political statements… especially the ridiculously misguided ones. This guy had an American flag and a South Carolina flag… fine. THEN, he also had a bumper sticker with a picture of the Twin Towers wrapped in an American flag with the line, “Never Forget Who Started It.”

Yup. The Kindergarteners are out in force, defending the war in Iraq. Very compelling argument.

And speaking of compelling arguments, the article I wrote defending The Vagina Monologues has been receiving a lot of praise from many people who I really respect. So, while I think it was shitty of them to inset him insulting me into my response, I’m feeling pretty vindicated. Because the people who matter to me have confirmed that I spoke well… and that his “Oh yeah? Well you’re stupid!” response just didn’t measure up.

Okay… everyone is shouting that Bush’s approval rating has reached an all time low. First of all… it’s about damn time that people figured out the man’s an idiot and that he’s making lousy decisions… but that’s not really what’s bothering me. What’s bothering me is WHO THE HELL CARES?! So people aren’t happy with ol’ Dubbya. What are we going to do? Not elect him again? Oh wait…

And… a few weeks ago, I organized, directed and performed in a benefit performance of The Vagina Monologues, and afterwards, a local columnist decided to write an article bashing the script. Basically, he decided that it was an evening all about hating men… which is ridiculous. The fact is, the play is about celebrating women… which does not inherently mean hating men. In fact, it’s not about men at all. SO, I wrote a response which was published this week… it ran alongside his response to my response in which he continued to hate the script… AND decided to bash me as well. Because he’s a very open-minded fellow who respects people’s rights to express opinions different than his own. At any rate, now the organization that the event benefits is writing a response to his response defending the script, the event and me. I know it’s my own damn fault for putting myself out there… but come on! Why does everything have to be a personal attack? Can’t we just have an intelligent conversation in which people discuss their opinions?

Ugh. I hate people.

I like scary movies. Blair Witch, What Lies Beneath… much fun! (Of course, I can’t watch them when I live by myself… because of my overactive imagination… but still) I LOVE camped-up, cheesy horror movies. Dead & Breakfast, Shaun of the Dead… SO GREAT! But sometimes there are movies that just hold no appeal to me. For example… last night, I sat watching about an hour of TV… seeing The Hills Have Eyes advertised over and over and over. I mean… two to three times in one commercial break! It was too much! It just looks way too uber gross. One of those movies with no appeal whatsoever. No real story, no real characters, no sense of humor… just gross for the sake of gross. It got to a point where I would change the channel when the commercials came on. It was some massive oversaturation.

And I was just trying to watch Caddyshack.

I’ve said it before, and apparently I’ll say it again… why does business always have to be so feast or famine? I go for weeks with little more to do than read blogs and write the occasional bank headline. And now… I can’t even hold still. I just got back from a trip to Florida for a new client - a high-end landscaping service. It was a lot of fun. I had the best traveling buddies! Blake and Billy - these two guys I work with. I was the mom and the baby sister at the same time. There was laughter and much punning… and at one point Blake had the airport page Mr. Geronimoses Lieberman to gate D10. I wish I could always travel with those guys!

But… we got back… and it turns out that it’s just the beginning of some serious craziness. I’m going to be out of town for another client, traveling from city to city from March 29th until April 11th. Yup. Two weeks during which I won’t set foot in my apartment, won’t cuddle with my kitty, won’t get to go out on Thursday nights, won’t be at rehearsal for the show I’m stage managing, won’t be around to remind my {gulp} boyfriend that he does, in fact, have a {gulp} girlfriend. It’s going to be weird. Of course, in the meanwhile, we’re trying to fit in as many other projects as we can before I leave, so that I can be thoroughly loaded down. Heck, I had to turn down the title role in an upcoming show because of all these trips. I hate that.

But still… it’s better to be busy than to be bored.

And, to make things crazier, we are losing an account manager this week… and we’ve just hired four (possibly five) new people. So we’re in major transition mode. And, with the account manager leaving, our boss is paranoid about the rest of us leaving, so every meeting or conversation with her ends with, “And no one at this table is allowed to leave.” Last week she even made a comment to me about wanting to make me sign something that would keep me from leaving and going back to acting for at least two years.

I didn’t have the heart to remind her that she already DID make me sign that… and that I have 17 months left.

Of course… I keep stumbling upon things that might make it awfully hard to leave… which makes me very nervous. From the kinda neat plans coming up with my improv troupe to whatever will end up happening with my {gulp} boyfriend to the big question mark that is grad school… I dunno. There are days when I think that staying here a bit longer might not be that bad. But I also don’t want to wake up ten years from now and still be working at the same job and trying to fit in a little community theatre here and there.

{shrug}

I like to think about inanimate objects in terms of people and people in terms of inanimate objects. For example, today I decided that one of my bosses is an ellipsis. If he were punctuation, he would be “…” That’s always how I feel when I talk to him or read one of his rambling emails. He starts off on one thing, trails off and suddenly catches site of a butterfly he must immediately chase. So every thought that he utters ends up with an ellipsis at the end. I hate working on projects with him. He gives me a headache.

It occurred to me last night as my {gulp} boyfriend and I were sitting on my couch watching TV, that he doesn’t like to hang out at my house. And I think it’s about more than just feeling more comfortable in your own space, and I think it’s about more than the fact that his place is a little bigger and nicer than mine (though mine is usually cleaner). I think it’s because my place is temporary. I have very little on the wall… and what I do have is without a frame. It looks very college, very much like a place you won’t be for very long… and he’s very sensitive to that. I don’t plan on being in Greenville forever… and there are times when he acts like my leaving him is a foregone conclusion. And I think that the unsettled nature of my home environment reminds him that I’m not a permanent fixture.

And to be honest, I think this is all silly. I’m not leaving SOON. We might still be together whenever I hit the road… we might not. We can’t know that. So we really shouldn’t treat me as if I’m gone already… you know? So what if this is temporary? EVERYTHING is temporary!

Boys are so delicate.

And relationships are so weird.